I am become life.

I am become life, restorer of worlds
Reviving ground beneath my feet
Land quakes with every step
Rebuild from rubble, land and sea
Raised up I have emerged set free

I am become life, abolisher of falsehoods
Stand tall in truth like age old trees
With rings threaded in wisdom
Dismantle small lies between my ears
But keeping the memory souvenirs

I am become life, apart of all I’ve met
Owning the story written out for me
Margins fade into the deep
And when my sea is set ablaze
I can now breathe under the waves

Because I am –
I will unbecome death
I am become life

sparkler-677774_1280

-A

Humble Beginnings

Humility was something that was always very confusing to me.

I didn’t really understand how someone could be truly humble, or even, what it meant to be truly humble.

Humility hung out in a gray area—it definitely wasn’t pride, it was sort of like confidence but not the arrogant kind, it absolutely wasn’t thinking less of yourself, so maybe it was thinking of yourself less?

Who knew? Hello, definitely not me.

Because I didn’t understand what humility was, I never sought it out. I was content with not knowing and simply nodding my head when someone brought it up. Even though this was sheer laziness on my part, the Lord didn’t want me to lack understanding about humility—so He began to teach me about it. He allowed me to fail.

At first I was super frustrated—I had absolutely no idea what was going on and I kicked and screamed 85% of the way.

“I am not a failure! This isn’t like me—why am I not succeeding? What is going on??”

I was seemingly failing in all sorts of areas—school, friendships, family relationships, and even basic day-to-day tasks.

Coming from someone who loves being in control, this process of defining humility first seemed like I was doing something wrong. Even though I tried, and tried, and tried to make things “right,” I was still unsuccessful. I thought my relationships were failing, and no matter how hard I tried I couldn’t fix it. My confidence was still in my ability to make things right.

canoeing-1081890_1280

I don’t believe the Lord wanted me to question my identity or believe lies about my relationships or myself, but He used His redemptive process to take these failures and turn them into something constructive, something worthwhile.

The turning point in all of this happened when I dropped a full water bottle on a $1,500 computer in one of my classes. The number one rule, virtually the only rule when in a computer lab is to responsibly handle your water (for obvious reasons).

He used me dropping a water bottle on a $1,500 computer to show me that I don’t have control—even over the simplest of things.

I realized that my efforts and constant trying didn’t amount for anything apart from God. I slowly became aware of His power compared to my own, and began to realize He’s someone that I can trust.

Humility in and of itself is a deep awareness of God.

It’s clearly recognizing who He is, and believing it without hesitation.

It’s having an awareness of your shortcomings, knowing that in the midst of your iniquity He has the power to redeem. He has the power and trustworthiness to take care of you.

It’s letting go of trusting yourself and your own ability, and sitting back and relaxing with Him.

As you continually make the decision to trust Him, you realize you don’t have to rely on yourself to fight your battles. The confidence in your own ability now transfers to confidence in God’s ability.

So try letting go. Trust that He has the power to redeem the biggest and smallest of things. Really believe He is who He says He is.

-K

I’m a good quitter.

I’m great at quitting. No seriously… I am a really really good quitter. Or I used to be.

Growing up I tried (and quit) most every sport imaginable. I constantly started things that I knew in the back of my mind I wasn’t going to finish. Countless times I would get halfway through school projects and give up – quit – and pray for a B (while a mix of b.s. and genetic favor usually earned me an A).

If it wasn’t easy. If it didn’t come natural to me. If I was tired. Or bored. I quit.

Sometimes I would start again. Most of the time I wouldn’t.

It’s so much easier to quit than to finish, and we have constant opportunities to do so. Every time we fail. Every time we mess up. We slip. Or fall. Every time I failed I went back to what was familiar. What was easy. What came natural.

Pursuing a relationship with God is not always easy and does not always come natural. So instinctively I’ve tried to quit that too. Numerous times I’ve told God: “This is hard… I’m tired… This just doesn’t come natural for me… So I think I’m done.”

So I would quit. And things would stay hard. And I’d still be tired. And I would still mess up. And eventually I would realize I shouldn’t have given up on God so easily, because God was still pursuing me even when I wasn’t pursuing Him.

woman-1031111_1280

A wise person I know once said, “If you don’t quit – you win.” SO if I fall, but get back up – I win. If things get hard, but I choose to keep going – I win. If I don’t give up. If I push past the exhaustion. I win.

I’m trying to do that. Persevere past the difficulties. And the more I invite God into the times I fall, the times when things are messy and hard – the more natural my relationship with Him becomes.

So, I am working on becoming a bad quitter. And a good winner.

-A